Bad Sex or Date Rape: A Quiz

Bad Sex or Date Rape: A Quiz*

Question 1: Did you plan to have sex with him?

A. No.

B. Not sure.

C. Yes.

D. Can’t remember.

Case Study: Annie

She met him on Match. We’ll call her Annie.

His name was something like Justin or Jordan. They messaged a few times about books, kids, the usual. Only Annie didn’t know that it was usual; she wasn’t even divorced yet from the man she had been with since the age of eighteen and this was her first date in over two decades.

She and her match met for drinks and appetizers at Applebee’s. They sat across from each other with their drinks: his beer, her wine. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m staring,” he said. “You’re so pretty.”

Annie was forty-five and had recently been dumped by her husband of more than twenty years because he “didn’t feel passion” for her anymore. 

“You’re blushing,” he said. “That’s so cute.”

They gave brief, yet razor-sharp, outlines of their respective divorces. He had two kids, boys, and she had two in high school, a boy and a girl. In the parking lot, he asked her out for a second date and Annie said yes. 

Question 2: Did you consume alcohol? How many drinks did you have?

A. No.

B. Yes, 1-2.

C. Yes, 3-4.

D. Yes, can’t remember.

Case Study: Annie, Date Two 

They met at a bar that, to Annie, smelled like the bottom of a laundry basket. He ordered his beer, she her wine. He stared and she blushed and he ordered another round and then another. “I live in this town,” he said. “You want to come back to my house? It’s more comfortable there. I have a screened-in porch and it’s nice and quiet.” 

Annie shook her head and giggled even though nothing was funny. 

“You’re adorable,” he said.

When the date finally wound itself down and propelled them out into the parking lot, he asked Annie to sit with him in his car “for a few minutes.” 

Annie was tired and a little drunk, but felt obligated to spend more time with him before calling her Uber. After all, she didn’t want to say no to everything. She didn’t want to be “that woman,” the one her husband had described as not wild enough, as “lacking in adventurous spirit.” She climbed into the car.

“So how many guys other than your husband have you been with?” he asked. “Sexually?”

Annie wondered if this was typical date talk. She had never really dated. She and her soon-to-be-ex-husband had met at a party freshman year of college and had married six weeks after she graduated. “Two,” she said.

He hooted and slapped his knee. “Wow! So how was your sex life with your husband? Me and the wife hadn’t done it in over a year by the time we divorced.”

This seemed too much for a second date, but the wine and the strangeness of being with a man who wasn’t her husband made her…was it a little wild? She giggled and hiccupped. “Sex with my husband is–was–terrible.”

“And you were married for how long?”

“Almost twenty-five years.”

“Did you come with him?”

 Annie stopped laughing. “I have to go,” she said and put her hand on the door handle..

Match threw up his hands. “Don’t! I’m sorry. Too personal. It’s just that you’re so pretty that I got carried away. Forgive me? Go out with me again?” He leaned over and kissed her. And then they were two high school kids ten minutes before curfew. As she drove home, she wondered if she even liked him. She didn’t find him all that attractive. He was a salesman and had a salesmen’s overfamiliar personality. But she had agreed to go out with him again. 

Question 3: Did you kiss him? 

A. No.

B. Yes, with mouth closed.

C. Yes, with some tongue.

D. Yes, make-out sesh.

Case Study: Annie, Date Three

They met for dinner at a restaurant with an exposed brick wall and lots of twinkly lights cascading down from the ceiling. Again, after the entrees had been eaten and the drinks drunk, he tried to persuade her to come back to his place, which, after all, was very close to this restaurant he had chosen. He reminded her of his screened-in porch. Again, she said no, and again they ended up making out in his car. When his hand squeezed her left breast she redirected it to her waist, a move she remembered from her teenage years.

At home, she lay on the couch and replayed their kisses in her mind. She wasn’t sure she liked him, but she did like kissing him. Annie wasn’t sure he would ask her out again, a prude who kept turning down his invitations to his home, but then she pictured her husband in his new life with his new girlfriend and told herself this is how you move on.

Question Four: Did you agree to go to his place of residence? 

A. No.

B. No, but he threw me in the trunk and took me there anyway.

C. No, but he tricked me by giving me the wrong address to the restaurant.

D. Yes.

Case Study: Annie, Date Four

A week went by with no call, no text. Annie hadn’t been sure she would go with him again, but when he finally called to invite her over to spend Sunday afternoon watching a movie at his house, she agreed. “But I won’t be having sex with you,” she said. She laughed to show him that she wasn’t a scardy cat. That she wasn’t scared of him.  

“I know,” he said. “We’ll just watch the movie. I promise.”

Question 5: Might he have assumed that agreeing to go to his house meant that you wanted to have sex with him?

A. No.

B. No?

C. Yes?

D. Yes.

When she got to his house, she was touched to see he had set up their movie afternoon with wine, snacks, and trays set up next to two armchair recliners in front of the television. He started the movie and passed her a bowl of popcorn. Then he was on top of her on her recliner, kissing her, hard. “The movie?” Annie said. 

“We’ll watch it later.” He took her hand and pulled her up and out of the chair. “We’ll be be more comfortable on the couch.”

Question 6: Might he have taken your kissing him back as a signal that you wanted to have sex with him?

A. No.

B. NO!

C. yes.

D. Undoubtedly.

He was on top of her, kissing her down into the leather surface of the couch. She pushed her palms against his chest. “I’m not going to have sex with you,” she said.

“I know. I understand,” he groaned into her mouth. The kissing went on and on. He rubbed himself against her furiously. 

Question 7: Did you try to redirect the activity to something non-sexual?

A. Yes. 

B. Yes, but not hard enough.

C. No, I didn’t want to be rude.

D. No, I didn’t want to reject him.

“Hey…let’s get up and go watch the movie,” she tried again, but his full weight was compressing her ribs, his mouth grinding so hard against hers that she wasn’t sure if he heard her. He pulled off her shirt, her bra. Then Annie was naked and he was inside of her. 

There was so much happening so quickly. She hadn’t had a man inside her, bare, since she and her husband had made their daughter. “What about a condom?”

“I’ve been tested for STDs,” he said. “I had a vasectomy.”

She was already in the middle of whatever was happening to her. He’ll come soon, she thought, and then I can leave. She was shaking, but told herself that she wasn’t afraid. 

Sex continued for a while more. Different positions. Some dirty talk. Annie watched the sun make its way down to the bottom edge of the window. She wondered about his neighbors. She missed her kids. She wanted it to end, but made her body participate so he would come and it would be over.

She scarcely remembered driving home and when she got there, she ran into the bathroom and sat under the shower for a long time with her head on her knees. She told herself that she felt bad because this was the first man she had slept with since her husband. That’s what she called it to herself: “slept with” or “had sex with.” 

She made the water hotter and then hotter still and remembered what sex with her husband had been like. They both knew it wasn’t “good” for Annie, but they both held her responsible. Obviously, they agreed, there was something wrong with her since he was doing things to her body that should feel good. Besides, Annie supposed, she had enjoyed it enough. The act made her feel close to her husband. Sure, she never really wanted to, had had to be coaxed into it. She never initiated it herself. Giving in to sex was her norm. Saying yes when she really meant no. Saying that feels good when it did not. 

When Match called to ask her out again, Annie told him she was sorry, but that she wasn’t ready to “date.” He was surprised. 

This surprise, and that he had called again, led Annie to label what had happened as Bad Sex. Regrettable sex. She was quite sure that Match thought of himself as a nice guy who would never force a woman. 

Questions 8-12:

Did you say no?

Did you say no?

Did you say let me get up?

Did you say please?

Did you say no?

Scoring** 

Give yourself 3 points for every A answer, 2 points for every B, 1 point for every C, and zero points for every D. 

21-24 points: You did not have sex.

14-20 points: You had bad sex. This was not rape with all the violence that word implies, even if it wasn’t exactly consensual either. 

7-13 points: You might have been date raped. Did you put yourself in a situation where sex was possible, which the man might have construed to be your implicit agreement to have sex with him? In other words, if you didn’t say “no,” then the “yes” was implied. From this perspective, the issue of a consent comes down whether or not the woman actively fights off a man’s sexual advances, that if she goes along with the act, then it is consensual. Sex, under such ambiguous circumstances, is facilitated by the understanding that the man could get what he wants by force, and that then would be very ugly. Unwanted sex is gross; rape is damaging. 

0-6 points: You were date raped.

You were raped.

*Quiz link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/ZNZD5GL

**Results link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-2VNK6T2GV/

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